Confusicus

Why are you telling me all this?

Why are you making me feel like this?

No, no, why are you making me 'feel' at all?!

You sit me down, you open up to me

You don't even tell your "boys" these things

Why are you telling me?

You tell me no one else has made you feel like this before

You say that it has been killing you to keep it from me

You say that when you speak to me, you feel that everything will be ok.

You say that now I know, you feel much better

Did you stop to think that maybe i did not want to know?

Did you think that maybe, just maybe, I liked where we were

I was in my world, you were in yours

And when we met, we could forget and just be, just be?

Did you stop to think that I was vague with mine coz I wanted the same from you?

Did you think that by telling me you were changing stuff?

Maybe now I want to change stuff too...

You say you would do anything in the world for me, get me anything I want

You say no matter where I am, who I am with,

You say no matter what I need, you will always come through

I say maybe now you are confusing me

I say maybe I don't want you to be like that with me

Maybe, just maybe, I want what we had before.

Maybe I liked what we had before.

Maybe I like thinking that we are 'ok'

Maybe we were ok...



Lessons

Now I have been thinking things through, when I say that, I have this serious look on my face like I actually achieved something from the experience, well, I did not achieve anything.
I ended up smiling my way through most of the stuff I thought about.
I was thinking about something that my friend said, which, I think, he has never thought about! He said, “Everything happens for a reason”.
When he said this, the only thing I could think of was,
“Heck no!!!”
This was because, and I know you will all, ok, most of you, will agree with me, that what happened to you in school and at home when you were younger was mostly uncalled for! (Here, I laugh!) Because I believe, now I do, back then, I was baying for blood, thinking, wait till I grow up, I will so get back at you!!
Where was I? Oh, yeah, I was saying that now I understand why what happened back then, happened.
Who am I kidding? I still don’t get some of them. Let me give you an example….

There was this time, seems like so long ago, and we had carrots in the garden, still young and juicy and oh, so sweet. I don’t know what it is about being a kid but you think everything you do is a mistake! So in the same spirit, we would furtively look to see if anyone was in the rooms with windows facing the garden and then we would run to the garden, pull a carrot out of the ground and then go and hide by the gate and eat the thing with bits of soil that we couldn’t manage to brush off, we did this several other times and we were happy as sin thinking that we were getting away with this.

Unbeknownst (who ever uses this word?!) to us, the adult in the house had been audience to all our doings and she was devising (all adults do this, they devise new ways everyday of making kids lives unbearably difficult) a way of making us pay for our “sins”.

She walked out of the house with a wash basin of water, laid it by the carrot patch and called us over, we go, all innocent and she tells us that she dint feel like cooking that day because we were the only reason she was going to do that anyway but since we had given her an alternative, she was glad.
We look at her like she dropped a screw on her way to the garden but she smiles and tells us to sit there, and clear the whole patch! Now, this seemed like a small feat and we sat down with glee and got down to chomping.

Well those of you who have been kids before know that you cannot, absolutely cannot eat that many carrots and soon, we were full and our jaws hurt.
She sat there looking at us and waited, I have to give her this, she was bloody patient!

Long story short, we weren’t able to clear the carrot patch and we all got beaten up! What for? I still do not understand! And I do not know what the moral of the experience was and I still think adults are put on this earth to make children’s lives miserable.
Hey, wait, I am an adult now, I wonder if my nephew or niece or kids will write about me too….

Have a lesson filled day, wont you?

My Best Friend

I’m in love with my best friend.

At least I think I am, in love, that is; and I am not even sure I can call him my best friend.

But what I am sure of, is that every time I am with him, I feel like nothing else matters, like he makes it all ok.

When did this start? Let’s see…. I think it started long before I acknowledged it to myself, but it has been a process.

I realized, just the other day, when we were watching a movie, with his arm comfortably around my shoulders, and this really mushy scene comes up, I sniff, try to turn away, you know its corny to cry in a movie; but he holds me tighter, rubs my arm, and places a little kiss on my temple like he understands.

Now the person I am with, never, ever does something like that, they would be laughing their ass off, you know, those loud guffaws (I don’t know how this sounds, but I imagine that what would come out of their mouth would be it.) so I get more comfortable, snuggle up to him, mmmmhhhh, the rest of the movie goes pretty much the same way all movies go; break-up, make-up, and happy ending, which by the way, was a beautiful sunset. At this point I really miss all the action that I love in movies, blood, twisted metal, cracked and broken pavements and roads…yeah, I like violence on the screen, otherwise its not worth paying for, which explains that I did not pay for this movie, but I had nothing to do and we were both “plot-less” since am not the ‘lets go have a drink’ type, movie it was, and only the soppy one appealed to us.

So I get up, pull him up, he always indulges me these little childish plays, and he will never know this, but it gives me immense pleasure to actually be with him. We walk down the isle, he is holding my hand, am swinging his, and he looks at me, I feel like a little child; a happy, content, little child.

We walk out of the cinema, and it hits me; I AM in love with my best friend!

Short of plopping down on the stairs and being agape, I let go of his hand and went to the bathroom (that is the polite way to say ‘toilet’ a lady never says ‘toilet’) and I look at my face in the mirror, I put my jaw back up, and I feel really chilly! I have this look in my eyes, am serious, its there, I can barely recognize me!

“Deep breaths, deep breaths, calm yourself!”

I think I have been in the bathroom for an awfully long time and he might become suspicious, so I will have to get out now, pretend that everything is ok, that I was “just going to the bathroom”.

But its not ok, its not like it was before, I can’t look at him the same way I used to, I cant hold his hand like I used to, I can’t…… I can’t…

One last breath, and out of the bathroom, I pretend that am looking for something in my huge tote, and he makes a joke about how I could fit in there along with all my stuff, and he says it endearingly, I want to look at him, but I cant, I just….can’t.

He puts his arm around my shoulder as we go down the stairs and I snuggle up to him, he smells nice, and I want to stay there, it’s nice and warm. We stroll on the sidewalk, am lost in my thoughts; I realize he is speaking to me,

“Huh”

“What do you want to do?” he asks me

“Nothing, I was thinking I would go home…I don’t know…”

“How about some hot chocolate?”

He knows exactly what I like, my comfort drink, hot chocolate.

At the coffee house, he looks at me, I can feel him looking at me, but am staring out the window, trying to avoid his eyes, he touches my hand, I have to look at him and all I see is love in there, concern,

“What’s up?”

“Nothing am good”

“When you are good and ready”

“Why are you like that with me?” I ask him

“Like what?”

“Like that, you know…” I say, with a shrug

“Its nothing, lets just lenga that vibe” I brush it off.

My chocolate comes and for a moment, I get lost in the flavor and the sweetness that is in that mug.

So now am thinking, if I tell him how I feel, and he doesn’t feel the same way, then what?

If I tell him, and I lose the best thing that ever happened to me, then what?

So now that I was used to telling him everything, how will I be able to hide this from him? To not tell him?

All the while am turning these thoughts over in my head, am looking into my mug of hot chocolate, and he is staring at me, waiting for me to tell him, he has faith in me, that when am good and ready, I will tell him what is on my mind, I feel worse now.

I take a deep breath, and I look at him, and I think, ‘it’s all worth it, you are all worth it, and I would rather have a sure thing with you, my best friend, than a “maybe” with you’.

I smile, and I feel that it’s going to be ok, that I will always be happy as long as you are here, with me.

I feel much better now, I take his hand and squeeze it just a bit, he squeezes back, I know it’s going to be ok, and I know “we” are ok.