To You

Bright days, beautiful people

In everything I have done, what I have become

Real people like you have always been there

The whole nine yards you have gone for me

Holding my hand or offering a shoulder to lean on

Daily reminders of just how much you mean to me

Always humbles me to know y’all are there

You are my life, my loves, and my reason

So this is to you, for being you to me.

Insomnia

Yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep, I tried, and it being a working day today, I really tried to catch some snooze but I couldn’t. I sat up and watched that series called “Knight Rider”, you know, the one with that car that I want for my birthday!
I thought that maybe I would fall asleep coz I was watching telly without my glasses; that maybe my eyes would tire. Well, they dint and I dint fall asleep and by the time it clocked 4.00AM, I had given up, figured I would watch CSI Las Vegas too and then shower and go to work.

I had a latte yesterday after so long without taking coffee, it may have been the reason that I couldn’t fall asleep, but the real reason isn’t so nice, no. the real reason is; I was unhappy.
For some reason, these lyrics from Thriving Ivory’s song ‘Angels on the moon’ kept playing in my head:
“Don’t tell me if am dying coz I don’t wanna know
If I can’t see the sunrise, maybe I should go
Don’t wake me coz am dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon”

Ironic; seeing as I was awake.
It played over and over in my head and I liked it, it was different from the havoc that was going on inside me. It was a welcome difference; a distraction; something…anything.

I make very little sense to myself all this while that I am awake, listening to the neighbors, its quiet, still, like they are listening to hear what am doing too.
I think maybe there is something bothering me that is why I cant sleep, but I don’t feel like that is totally true because I have been sad before and I still fell asleep, and my falling asleep was actually attributed partly to my being sad….cry it out and fall asleep.

I have been hurt, by someone I care deeply for and part of me doesn’t understand it, the other part wants to dismiss it and call it “the past”. I am very good at that; putting issues in the past, I find it easier to deal with that way.
This time, I am not so lucky. I think and rethink the situation. I wonder why it affects me so. On one hand, I have received the best news ever, on the other, im thinking, I don’t need this! But maybe I do, if only for my growth.

Swirling confusion like a bad song on loop that just won’t go away, round and round taking pieces of me with it on its psychotic delusional ride! I feel almost empty, muddled up inside, like im going to hurl but I fear I may get out my very soul if I do.
A churning telling of an unprecedented eruption, like a volcano letting loose its regurgitated molted heat, I feel it taking over me, consuming me, taking my very essence away into the deep recess that is my self, I hope against everything I have, everything I feel that I will not lose myself to my self…I hold on to the last vestiges of my soul that is in the throes of a dance that is to the death, a duel that can only have the ultimate one left alive…..

Me

And yet again i gave my heart
Gave it out on a silver plate
Gave it out with trusting hands
Gave it out to be crushed; again.

And yet again i dared to love
Knowing fully well where it would lead
Knowing that i had opened a can of worms
Knowing that i wouldn't be whole. Again.

And yet again i still allowed it in
Letting it consume me
Letting it take over my whole being
Letting it burn all my reserves; again.

And yet again i felt
Longing that i thought was gone
Longing that i never knew could be
Longing that killed me; again!

And yet again i was a broken hearted girl.
Again.