Of Women and Relationships

Why do we care so much about relationships?
Do we need to be in a relationship to be happy?
Do we need a relationship to define ourselves?

Recently I have been hanging out with girlfriends who have either been in a relationship for a very long time, getting married or been in relationships that they walked out of [and their friends] and some in dysfunctional ones. The similarity with all the times I have sat down with these women is that men were the topic of discussions that we entered into after the formality of getting to know each others’ names.

The questions above are the ones that were in my head after the last week (yep, it all happened in one week! I got around!) Today, I asked myself these three and I dint have an answer, not a single one. I looked at myself and I am the worst example I can give from a relationship perspective! But as usual, I always have an opinion, stop nodding your head! It’s not like you don’t have one yourself!

Women operate in different parameters from men, that I know for a fact; because where a woman sees potential for a relationship, a man sees a romp or at most, a fling [well, mostly, they do]. A woman will at some point in her life want to settle down, it’s in her mid twenties mostly, and she will be frustrated if she hasn’t found “the one” and will be looking for him and wondering what was wrong with all the men she has dated and they more or less turned out to be jerks by definition. Some women are lucky [I really want to add a profanity here but I will definitely come off sounding bitter, so no, I will not.] and they will date “the one” guy from college, not high school, not in this country, no way! And she will end up marrying him and they have a bunch of kids a dog and a mboch to boot. Not all women are in this percentile, at least not some of the ones I met, and definitely not me. I dint meet “the one”, mostly, it was “that one”, but I’m not complaining, scars give you character and mine I consider ‘spoils of war’.

Women look for a guy, no, I need to correct that, a man who is a valuable addition to their lives, someone they can raise a family with, one who is responsible, has a hold on their lives, a man who is stable and they can look up to; a man who can take charge. Most of the guys we have met are Mr. Right now, not marriage material, nah uh! He is just a guy who is out to have a good time. I sat through these little parties and tried to convince myself that I was different, that maybe I hadn’t gotten to that stage where I wanted to settle down with a man, but I could only lie to myself for so long; after all, I am a woman, aren’t I? Maybe I have been running away from it, but I get lonely sometimes [this sounds pathetic, said out loud to myself] and I wish I dint have to go home to a house that only has shoes, but that is just it; sad, isn’t it? But it doesn’t mean I don’t like being on my own, there are certain perks that I do not want to let go off that come with flying solo….who am I kidding, I would let it all go in a heartbeat if “the right one” came along, and then convince him that we [read: I] need a walk in closet as big as my bedroom.

Women will so often talk about how they like being on their own, about how being independent is the best thing that ever happened to them, and at the bridal shower I attended, I would have been that woman, but secretly, deep inside, I would have been simmering with green fire wishing I were that woman getting hitched. At the afore mentioned shindig, I dint say a peep about independence, nope, I nodded my head and smiled and listened to these women giving their friend advice on what being married was about, about how blessed she was to have found her soul-mate and how they wished her happiness. I think we all wished we were her right then. I wished I were her, but mostly because it would mean that most of my uncertainties were behind me and I could look forward to a different phase in my life.

I have said to my friends on several occasions that I will get married for the pictures, and maybe when I said it, it was funny, but I was scared, still am; marriage is a serious step, it’s not just a wedding, and it’s a union [my word! I sound old! I don’t even cuss the same!] And its takes a lot to make it happen. Maybe that is the reason I am scared, or maybe it’s the idea that I would have to see the same face every single morning when I wake up; how do people do it?!

Do relationships define us? They do. At some point in our lives, relationships do define who we are and what we are, in this case, happy. Happy because you have someone in your life who is willing to take you as you are; your alligator mornings breathe to boot! Someone who completes you and looks at you in that way that makes your tummy flutter [someone has hacked my blog! I do not speak like this!]. This person basically makes you feel, each day of your life, like you are the luckiest woman/man alive.

Not all relationships work out, nope, some are even disastrous, but being women [I do not count myself here] we hold on and hope that someday, he will see the sense in what we have [I prefer “had”] and he will straighten himself out and come back home. By this I mean, some women have a one sided relationship with the man being an absentee and the kids only remember him when he decides to show his face at home to pick up a suit. It’s sad, but it happens. I have so many things I could say about these men, but I do not think they deserve the space.
As women, we have clocks in our bodies that let us know when it’s time to get on to another stage in our lives; and sometimes, we need to stop being so hard headed and listen to the ticking. You know when you see a mother carrying a child and you think, “aawww, that is so cute. I wish I had me one of those” well, hint, hint. That is all I’m going to say. Not that you should go and get yourself knocked up or anything, everything has its time; but you need to realize, no woman is an island and you need someone to be with you, a shoulder to lean on, a friend who is next to you, not a call away, no; right next to you.

Now I have been listening and my clock says it’s time for me to stop rambling and get some sleep. I am not going to wake up kesho and decide that I needs me a man to marry me, no, I will take my time and like I said all things at the right time.
We all need somebody.
Chew on that, will you?