Insomnia

Yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep, I tried, and it being a working day today, I really tried to catch some snooze but I couldn’t. I sat up and watched that series called “Knight Rider”, you know, the one with that car that I want for my birthday!
I thought that maybe I would fall asleep coz I was watching telly without my glasses; that maybe my eyes would tire. Well, they dint and I dint fall asleep and by the time it clocked 4.00AM, I had given up, figured I would watch CSI Las Vegas too and then shower and go to work.

I had a latte yesterday after so long without taking coffee, it may have been the reason that I couldn’t fall asleep, but the real reason isn’t so nice, no. the real reason is; I was unhappy.
For some reason, these lyrics from Thriving Ivory’s song ‘Angels on the moon’ kept playing in my head:
“Don’t tell me if am dying coz I don’t wanna know
If I can’t see the sunrise, maybe I should go
Don’t wake me coz am dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon”

Ironic; seeing as I was awake.
It played over and over in my head and I liked it, it was different from the havoc that was going on inside me. It was a welcome difference; a distraction; something…anything.

I make very little sense to myself all this while that I am awake, listening to the neighbors, its quiet, still, like they are listening to hear what am doing too.
I think maybe there is something bothering me that is why I cant sleep, but I don’t feel like that is totally true because I have been sad before and I still fell asleep, and my falling asleep was actually attributed partly to my being sad….cry it out and fall asleep.

I have been hurt, by someone I care deeply for and part of me doesn’t understand it, the other part wants to dismiss it and call it “the past”. I am very good at that; putting issues in the past, I find it easier to deal with that way.
This time, I am not so lucky. I think and rethink the situation. I wonder why it affects me so. On one hand, I have received the best news ever, on the other, im thinking, I don’t need this! But maybe I do, if only for my growth.

Swirling confusion like a bad song on loop that just won’t go away, round and round taking pieces of me with it on its psychotic delusional ride! I feel almost empty, muddled up inside, like im going to hurl but I fear I may get out my very soul if I do.
A churning telling of an unprecedented eruption, like a volcano letting loose its regurgitated molted heat, I feel it taking over me, consuming me, taking my very essence away into the deep recess that is my self, I hope against everything I have, everything I feel that I will not lose myself to my self…I hold on to the last vestiges of my soul that is in the throes of a dance that is to the death, a duel that can only have the ultimate one left alive…..