Wednesday, December 29, 2010

New Year's

New Year, new resolutions, new goals, new lives, if they are in the package…

New Year brings this kind of resolve in all of us, we have so many goals we set that we seldom reach or most probably give up on.
This year will be no different. We will all set some sort of goals and most of us will probably not even put any effort into achieving them because most probably they were set because we drunk too much and it was the whole “I will never drink again…(until next weekend)” saga.

Here are my resolutions for next year:

 Buy less/fewer (I don’t know which of the two sounds more right grammatically) shoes
 Try and buy shoes with lower heels (not flat though!!!)
 Be more forgiving
 Love more and hate less
 Admit to having a family that I actually care for (I know, I know!)
 Love me more (this will definitely be my mantra)
 Control my anger (Ha! Like that is about to happen!)
 Practice patience
 Not use these words, “I have nothing to wear!”
 Buy fewer hand bags, CHLOE you were my last purchase, lets leave it at that
 And oh yeah, move up in my job.(I think this should have been no. 1)

I actually went brain dead writing that! I couldn’t find anything else to want to achieve this coming year, only reductions! And which, if I may point out, I may not really do, but at least they are achievable.

So this is very honest of me, most of us make resolutions to seem like we are ‘all that’ in the eyes of everyone else, seem like they are very motivated and all that.

I have a really bad habit of impulsively buying shoes and bags, but mostly shoes, so this New Year, I want to fight that habit, not buy shoes as often and for no apparent reason.
I want to be a better person emotionally this year, I have so much love to give and I don’t do it often enough (not that kind of love, you perv! He he)

So lets see, you took your bonus and maybe an advance, drunk it all away, bought oh, so may unnecessary things for ‘Christmas’, threw a party…you know. Well now, not exactly right now, but after New Year’s, coz you will spend more money then; reality will set in and you will realize that there are bills to pay and then the resolutions start he he.

Twist it this year and let the resolutions be because you really want to not coz you have regrets; and then, have fun!

Have a happy New Year guys!


Disclaimer:

Half of what I say I find really hard to follow through on, so since we are all human, enjoy whatever happens, no regrets people!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

For Colored Girls

I haven’t written in a bit while and someone asked me and my answer was that I lacked inspiration. Well, I was watching this movie that I had picked up, ‘For colored girls’, and 10 minutes into the flick, my inspiration was back! Switched on the lights and took my notebook and pencil out.

This movie has an all black/colored girl cast with Janet Jackson, Thandie Newton, Kimberly Elise and a host of others, which tells you its worth the time.
This is like being at a SLAM event because there is so much emotion in the words these women utter.
Black women go through so much but we stand by what we believe whether it’s good for us or not.

There are so many characters portrayed by these women and I feel I can identify with more than one of them; the woman “on-top”, the abused woman, the one with her dreams playing out, the one who has dreams of a future but they are slowly being crushed, the whore, the crazed mother, the one who preaches but doesn’t do….

“This is for colored girls who have considered suicide but are moving on to the end of their rainbows”

This caught my attention and I tried to paraphrase as little as possible:

“Sleeping with all these men thinking its just sex
It aint just sex, honey, it has a root
And you have got to find that root to pluck it!
At 4.30 AM you rise moving the arms and legs that trapped you
You make a bath of musk water to remove his smell;
To wash away the glitter,
To watch the butterflies melt into suds and the rhinestones fall beneath your buttocks like smooth pebbles in a Missouri River
Lying in water, you become yourself; ordinary, brown braided woman with big legs and full lips.
Regular
And those who fall prey to the dazzle of hips painted with orange blossoms and magnolia scented wrists
That wanted no more than to lay between her sparkling thighs
And had planned on leaving before dawn.
And when you finish writing your account of her exploit in a diary embroidered with lilies and moonstones,
You place the rose behind your ear and cry yourself to sleep
I used to be you.”


So I watch this movie and I cry my eyes out because there is so much endurance and emotion that these women go through! I cry for lost love, for all the times I have had to hold and keep my emotions at bay because it is expected of me.

I loved this because it represents each and every woman, for all the times that we have almost given ourselves up for promises and for belief….

“Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff!
And dint care enough to send a note home saying
I was late for my own solo conversation
Or two sizes too small for my own tacky skirts
What can anybody do with something of no value on an open market?
Did you get a dime for my things?
Hey man! Where are you going with all of my stuff?!
This is a woman tripping!
I need my stuff to ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ about
Honest to God, somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff
And I dint bring anything but the kick and sway of it;
The perfect ass for my man and none of it is theirs!
This is mine! Anne’s own things
That’s my name.
Now give me my stuff!!

I see you hiding my laugh
And how I sit sometimes with my legs open to give my crotch some sunlight
This is some delicate leg and whimsical kiss
I have got to have to give to my choice
So you can’t have me unless I give me away
And I was doing all that till you ran off from a good thing

And who is this you left me with?
Some simple bitch with a bad attitude!
I want my things. I want my own with the hot iron scar
I want my leg with the flea bag
I want my things!
I want my calloused feet and quick language back in my mouth
I want my own things how I love them

Somebody almost ran off with all of my stuff and I was just standing there looking at my stuff the whole time!
It wasn’t a spirit that ran off with my stuff,
It was a man whose ego walked around like Rodham’s shadow
It was a man faster than my innocence
It was a lover I made too much room for
I almost ran off with all my stuff
And the one running with it don’t know he got it
Am shouting, “This is mine!” and he doesn’t even know he got it!
My stuff is the anonymous ‘ripped off treasure of the year’
Do you know somebody almost got away with me?
Me, in a plastic bag under his arm
Me, Anne, somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff.”


While writing this, I hold on to the fact that “am sorry’s” don’t need to impact on my life coz my love is too beautiful to be thrown back to my face!
This is for all the women, for all the love in your hearts that sometimes goes unappreciated and un-mirrored, you love you and that should mean the world to you.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

For matatus, real men and the not so real ones

Yesterday missy, here was heading home after a long-ish day that wasn’t so nice, who am I kidding?! It was a terrible day!!



I head to the stage, which is basically the place that the matatus have decided they will stand, heckle, cat call, bang on the cars, and basically cause as much commotion as they can till you get in just so they can shut up! Funny though, we always get into the ones that have the loudest idiot who is trying to grab you and half drag you into the matatu tsk tsk!



In the matatu that station, I think its called 1FM is playing some Freshly Ground and am singing softly along, though I think I wasn’t really soft at all; but you know what I mean.



The car fills up and off we go with the driver flooring it like he stole it! I don’t know if it is supposed to be on their resume but they are such terrible mannered people on the road! Am grateful for the traffic build up because at least that stems his “enthusiasm” and we go at a more comfortable speed.

The guy seated next to me is fidgety and he is looking at me funny, so I put both my fones in my bag, give him a very long and meaningful look and then hold on to that bag as if my life depended on it.



I have this thing, you know, having grown up in Eastleigh and all, that if I have any suspicions about your intentions with me or my property, I show you I have noticed and I would not let you carry out your hare brained intentions which basically mean, “snatch and run” which in the case of the bulky man seated next to me was almost funny seeing as he couldn’t run from inside a moving matatu.



I sing on and we are finally on Uhuru Highway, the traffic here is scant and he is racing imaginary cars, the music hides the fact that I am terrified that the driver will kill us, and my brain goes on this path where am thinking what would happen if I actually died, here, you expect to hear that I regret not telling my siz that I love her and all that mushy stuff, but no, am thinking, those little do-nut thingies I bought, I dint finish them, and that someone will be wearing my shoes!!!(Shudder! shudder!) and that all I have worked for so far I will not have anymore, and that he will be miserable for a little while and then get over me and move on with another one….”I think I would haunt her”

Yeah, am selfish like that, but at least I have the “balls” to admit it! Yes you, you judgmental little person (hehe)



So we get to that stretch before General Motors on Mombasa Road and the car is suddenly going (I almost typed “gowing”!!) very slow, and I think maybe he has a conscience after all, a heart while we are at it!

The rise after General Motors and he “parks” the car on the curb!! So he has the music on really loud and the “Kange” goes to the front to talk to him; turns out, he doesn’t have fuel in the car, and am thinking, “what a dumb-ass move!”

This guy gets out and asks the rest of the guys to get out and help push, and they do, amazing how guys have this thing about “group work” going on, they stand up for each other when we ask them about the whereabouts of “our men” too!

The man I mentioned before actually lets the one on the other end pass and he lets his fellow men push while he sits and looks out the window! I give him another meaningful look but he is not moved, he just returns the stare.

Well, we are pushed and since am done with my morbid thoughts from before, I call the lady who does my laundry and scold her for not coming through and then I listen to the guys outside, they actually seem to be having fun and I consider joining them outside, but I have heels on and Steve Madden would have a heart attack if I pushed the car with my shoes on.



The guys are cracking jokes and generally having fun heckling the driver about his misconduct which they take very lightly unlike the woman seated there near the door.

We get to the “mteremko” and all the guys jump back in and we “free” to the petrol station. Here, the afore mentioned woman calls her friend and bitches about the “horrific” situation she has just been in, women, sometimes, you embarrass the rest of us, nkt!! We were all in it, you did not get asked to push the car, you weren’t hurt and nothing came of the whole “horrifying” situation so instead of bad mouthing the people who helped, shut up and look at it as an adventure, savvy?



Because of the whole situation, I had to walk a little longer to get home, but hey, who is complaining? I had fun, and I learnt that not all people who wear pants are men, only those who get out to push the car are real men, hehe.



So to all the real men out there, thank you for being you.



Diary of a woman cheated on

I saw you with her, for the first time, I did.

Everyone was telling me you were with her, I never really believed it, and I dint want to accuse you of anything that I hadn’t seen myself (totally Kenyan right there, “me, I”)

So I just kept it to myself, I never uttered a word and I watched you lie to me and slowly kill the feelings that I had for you and, sadly, for me too.



I saw you with her, not just holding her, but with her, and the last feeling I had flickered out. I saw you with her and there, my resolve died.

She dint look prettier than me, she dint look that smart, and when she did open her mouth, she cemented that…..I looked at you, the questions I wanted to ask, ‘why?’ being top of the list just dint come out.

I looked at you, I dint see what I thought had always been in there mirrored; I looked at you and saw the truth.



I cried for what I thought I was losing

I left, dint say a word, I just left.





I came back, I did, then I took your spray can and graphitized your shirts and your shoes, I took extra time on the YSL limited edition sneakers you so loved.

I sneezed coz of the smell of the paint



I poured all your shower gels down the drain, they smelt good, they did



I went into the kitchen, it was once ‘our’ kitchen oh, so long ago that seemed.

I poured flour on the floor, then a layer of currants and nuts, then sugar just to sweeten things up, then more flour, just to make it even then layered on all the syrups from the fridge, you love syrup, don’t you, honey?



The living room looked so nice and tidy, I had put so much work into it, the white Persian rug, I loved that rug, but I wanted a patterned one, back to the spray can, and then a dash of cranberry juice…

There….a masterpiece Picasso would have been very pleased to see



I loved watching movies on your telly, like you always said, ‘we don’t need to go to the movies, we let them come to us’

I played catch with that, took the crystal flutes I bought for your 28th birthday and we got down to business, I do not understand why the telly doesn’t want to play, it keeps dropping everything! Oops, it has scratches and a character giving crack right in the middle



I'm bored…..

I know, I hate these curtains, I feel like a frilly look will be better or a grunge torn up look, where are those scissors?

Rip, snip, tear, nicely done, I like that I can see through to the neighbors, doesn’t feel so lonely anymore. I always told you that seclusion wasn’t so nice, now you can see why



Aaawww, don’t we look pretty in that portrait? But it lacks pizazz! So back to the spray can, originality is crucial, so I think, mustache on you, little imp horns and a few missing teeth, nice!!!



I pack up and leave, for good this time.



Your car looks nice, freshly washed and waxed, aah, so many memories, I have my keys in my hand; you know that sound metal on metal makes, yeah, I hate that sound too, and it went on for so long!!!



Then I went off into the horizon.

Cheaters

Is there such a thing as a good criminal?



Well, as much as we would like to think that they are all heartless bastards, there are a few of them who actually have hearts and a conscience. Some would not hurt a baby and would rather abandon a job than involve a child; others would not hurt a woman or an old person…..on the same lines, and please hear me out on this one, humor me ladies…



There is such a thing as a good ‘cheat’.

What is the stupidest reason a guy has given you for cheating on you?

I dated this guy once and when I asked, he told me he was insecure and had to have a back up plan.

I wanted to kill him then but later I thought about it and I actually kind of understood where he was coming from; in every relationship, you are never sure what is going to happen, you take a risk, and take a plunge into the unknown, and you trust yourself to trust someone else with your heart, your feelings, wouldn’t you also like to have a plan B in case A fails?

You know the way Women are never very sure with their shoes so they carry a pair of sandals in their bags? Well, on some level, you are doing the same thing that my ex was doing, you have a plan B in case A’s heel breaks or a strap comes off.



I dint want to believe that I wasn’t his everything, so I left and that was that, good thing though, and saying this is what got me through those tear filled nights, ‘I was plan A’.



So you see, he was looking out for the main plan A, which is him, and that is what is most important to everyone, you have to please you before anyone else or else you are going to be a very sad person. You have to be your own star player and make your star player happy, everyone else comes second.



On this cheating subject, think about it, if you have cheated, think, ‘why did you do it?’



Let me start you off, I cheated because he dint have time for me, so I got someone else who had time for me, they listened, they were available. He wasn’t. He had work and ‘the boys’, his car, his mom, not me; I was an afterthought. I felt like I imagine his house feels like; functional.

So I stopped fielding those calls, accepted a coffee date, a movie, dinner, and the rest, am sure your imagination can fill you in.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved him, but I loved me too and me wasn’t very happy, so I took measures for me’s sake.



So there, you have cheated at some point, you felt guilty, maybe, like me, you dint; but all in all, you have your reasons and if you were to be placed in a position that needed you to explain yourself, you would have very sensible reasons (most of you would, some are just heartless)



What am trying to get across is that maybe, just maybe, there are people who cheat without necessarily meaning to hurt another person, they are doing what they are doing with the best of intentions, if someone gets hurt, then that was just bad luck.



I am not saying that now you can cheat and get a good excuse to get from it, no, just hear them out.

But then again, it may just be a jerk feeding you a whole lot of crap!