Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Me...and you

This dance that we dance,
These steps that we take,
The intricate moves we make...
What do they all mean?

You take my hand,
Guide my steps into a tango,
Dip me then stare into my eyes.
Then, just like that you let me fall...

I stand up and run to you,
Like a pro, you lift me up,
And once again, my dear,
Me and you are soaring high.

Grab and hold,
Spinning me out of control,
Like a dance to the death,
But still, firm to your arms i hold.

A pirouett here, a spin right there,
A touch of your hand on mine,
A look that drowns out all doubt,
Then you cast me away from you.

I dance this dance with you, my dear,
Always hopeful that you will hold me near,
But when the music dies, you are gone..
No dance, just echoes, on my own...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Leaving...

All those times i looked into your eyes,
The smile you put on my face
The memories that we made
Lay in my heart where they belong
You arent, unfortunately,
Though for a moment i did dream,
I had it in my head that it may not work.

So i look at you now and i sigh
There's nothing left of me and you;
Yeah, there's no more 'us', just me first then you
It gets like that sometimes, i aint sorry.

You will never know this
But, sometimes, i wished for this, an ending
And though i dint like the notion,
It dint just happen, we dint JUST end..

I felt it, you see, but i hoped too
Its human to want to cling, but i've learnt in the past;
What i want and what i need, dont always match up.
And what you gave was'nt what i needed.

Hey, let's not linger over the 'loss'
I'm looking at something new, a yearning
Maybe i sound cruel, but you played your hand
Pun not intended my darling.

One last thing:
I heard i am pretty hard to get over.
XX

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Of Girls and Partying....

Party Girls and relationships, do guys take PG’s seriously, would they marry one?
If you are a guy and you are reading this, would you marry a PG?
I met my friends pal, they went to uni together and being the loud mouth that I am [I have “foot-in-mouth” disease]I asked him how come he is the only one who hasn’t gone and gotten hitched. He said a very surprising thing, “well, I couldn’t marry any of the girls I used to go partying with. I want to marry a girl who is gentle and will not compete with me when it comes to going out.”
For the first time in a long while, I dint have a come-back, I think its called “growing up and learning to pick your battles”. I looked at him and I thought, ”well, aint that mighty of you?” sarcastically of course; I don’t know how to think any other way. There he was all that time going out with these girls and having fun with them but when it comes to making commitments, the girls are suddenly “too fun” for his taste? I dint see how that made sense at all but apparently it did to him and thinking about it, most guys I know think the same way.
A guy once told me that I am the only woman he knows he can call at 2AM and I will be in the house not in some club or bar, a point for me, I’m guessing, but still.
So you meet a girl in a bar or club and that straight away says she is not the take-home-to-mum type? Men, aren’t we forgetting a very important part of the equation here? YOU are In the same bar/club, aren’t you? So does that mean that you, as the guy, are not a person I would want to take home to meet the parents too? Good question, huh?

There is this stereo type for girls you meet in the club, Party Girls, and I think it’s a common misconception that all girls in that club fall into that category.

Chrystal is a lawyer [with a stripper’s name (I just had to)]and her job takes up most of her time, she gets off work late and starts real early; she doesn’t have any other chance to let off steam other than when she meets up with the girls and they go dancing. She takes of the power suit and its shorts or a LBD to the club where she dances most of the night or sips on a drink.
So you meet Chrystal on the dance floor and you immediately assume she is a PG coz of the location and dismiss her as a potential partner? No problem, she is probably out of your league; you pious jerk! Oh, there she goes! There is the me we all know.

In all seriousness, I think sometimes men are pretentious when it comes to women, you have double standards, like if a girl has slept with quite a number of men, she is a whore or not worth it? Aren’t you the same men she slept with? I don’t see how it is wrong, im not saying to go and sleep with many men, there are many risks, especially diseases, but still!
So here you are in a club and you are very likely to be looking to “funga” someone, but in the same breathe, pass judgment on a girl who might just be out on a date with her girls? How insanely demented is that?
I looked at that guy that day and I thought he was as sanctimonious as those men who go around trying to sleep with every girl they meet but still want to marry a virgin, smh. I went to the dance floor then and danced my tush off and for the next two hours, I was a party girl. I had fun; good food, some fine wine and wonderful girl friends, yes, I was a party girl for a few hours, and after that, I went home, put away my shoes and went to sleep in my own bed. And you and your judgmental self missed the chance to meet a truly amazing person because you think that the same thing you go to a club to do is what I was out doing.

Think about it…

Monday, September 12, 2011

Of Attachments and starting fresh

The other day, “Kamau took my phone and “kept it safely” for me and then over the weekend, him and his cousins decided I haven’t been keeping my stuff in the house well, and the idiots not only took my electronics, but they violated me in such ways! They took my shoes! And the ones that hurt the most were Alexander McQueen skull boots that I loved with all my heart and I cried my eyes out went to the cops and reported my stolen goods and after listing this down with the officer in charge, I realized the futility of it all. My things weren’t going to be recovered at all.

At the cop station, there was a child, a little boy, about 5 years old and apparently, he was lost and had been brought a long ways to here, he was nibbling on a scone and looked like he dint have a care in the world. I sat down to talk to him, he said his name was “Afisa”, dint know where his house was or the name of his mother, smh. By the way, his teacher is called, wait for it….. ”Teacher”. Neat, huh?

This little tyke dint have a place to sleep and there I was fretting over my shoes and what-nots! I felt shame and then I started worrying about him. It was about 9PM by then and no one had come looking for him and there he was in the raggedy couch (or semblance of it) his feet caked with mud and nodding off to sleep as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

Well, I went home after I realized that the cops weren’t going to help me get anything back and after seeing that little boy who dint have a care in the world as long as he had a place to lay his head.

Gets you thinking, doesn’t it?
Sometimes, we get so attached to things; we forget to see what is really important. We do the same in relationships, we concentrate so much on the things we want to see and feel we forget to enjoy the feelings and moments in-between. Sometimes we get lost in the “relationship” that we want to be in, we forget what we have.

The same way I was so excited about having a pair of Alexander McQueen skull boots, I treasured them instead of wearing and enjoying them because, in my mind, I had waited so long to get them I wanted to keep the shoes and just look at them. When Kamau took them, I lost both chances; to wear and look at them.

After the whole episode, I donated over half my clothes, bags and shoes to charity because I wanted to sever my attachment ties to stuff. It was hard to let go, but once I started, it became easier to just put them in the bags and say bye.
After this whole being robbed issue and after I moved houses, I decided my life needed a complete overhaul at least emotionally, I decided to not hang on to people, being a free spirit was more appealing and getting rid of all the emotional baggage was what I needed. I gave up all my attachments and started on a clean slate, starting every relationship anew was amazing and now, I am feeling much better about everything.

I am starting to feel like am writing a self help column and there I stop.
Next time you are clearing your closet, think about doing the same with the relationships in your life, some of them are detrimental and you are better off without them; like the raggedy pair of pants that are just taking up space in your closet, get rid of the raggedy relationships too.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Of Women and Relationships

Why do we care so much about relationships?
Do we need to be in a relationship to be happy?
Do we need a relationship to define ourselves?

Recently I have been hanging out with girlfriends who have either been in a relationship for a very long time, getting married or been in relationships that they walked out of [and their friends] and some in dysfunctional ones. The similarity with all the times I have sat down with these women is that men were the topic of discussions that we entered into after the formality of getting to know each others’ names.

The questions above are the ones that were in my head after the last week (yep, it all happened in one week! I got around!) Today, I asked myself these three and I dint have an answer, not a single one. I looked at myself and I am the worst example I can give from a relationship perspective! But as usual, I always have an opinion, stop nodding your head! It’s not like you don’t have one yourself!

Women operate in different parameters from men, that I know for a fact; because where a woman sees potential for a relationship, a man sees a romp or at most, a fling [well, mostly, they do]. A woman will at some point in her life want to settle down, it’s in her mid twenties mostly, and she will be frustrated if she hasn’t found “the one” and will be looking for him and wondering what was wrong with all the men she has dated and they more or less turned out to be jerks by definition. Some women are lucky [I really want to add a profanity here but I will definitely come off sounding bitter, so no, I will not.] and they will date “the one” guy from college, not high school, not in this country, no way! And she will end up marrying him and they have a bunch of kids a dog and a mboch to boot. Not all women are in this percentile, at least not some of the ones I met, and definitely not me. I dint meet “the one”, mostly, it was “that one”, but I’m not complaining, scars give you character and mine I consider ‘spoils of war’.

Women look for a guy, no, I need to correct that, a man who is a valuable addition to their lives, someone they can raise a family with, one who is responsible, has a hold on their lives, a man who is stable and they can look up to; a man who can take charge. Most of the guys we have met are Mr. Right now, not marriage material, nah uh! He is just a guy who is out to have a good time. I sat through these little parties and tried to convince myself that I was different, that maybe I hadn’t gotten to that stage where I wanted to settle down with a man, but I could only lie to myself for so long; after all, I am a woman, aren’t I? Maybe I have been running away from it, but I get lonely sometimes [this sounds pathetic, said out loud to myself] and I wish I dint have to go home to a house that only has shoes, but that is just it; sad, isn’t it? But it doesn’t mean I don’t like being on my own, there are certain perks that I do not want to let go off that come with flying solo….who am I kidding, I would let it all go in a heartbeat if “the right one” came along, and then convince him that we [read: I] need a walk in closet as big as my bedroom.

Women will so often talk about how they like being on their own, about how being independent is the best thing that ever happened to them, and at the bridal shower I attended, I would have been that woman, but secretly, deep inside, I would have been simmering with green fire wishing I were that woman getting hitched. At the afore mentioned shindig, I dint say a peep about independence, nope, I nodded my head and smiled and listened to these women giving their friend advice on what being married was about, about how blessed she was to have found her soul-mate and how they wished her happiness. I think we all wished we were her right then. I wished I were her, but mostly because it would mean that most of my uncertainties were behind me and I could look forward to a different phase in my life.

I have said to my friends on several occasions that I will get married for the pictures, and maybe when I said it, it was funny, but I was scared, still am; marriage is a serious step, it’s not just a wedding, and it’s a union [my word! I sound old! I don’t even cuss the same!] And its takes a lot to make it happen. Maybe that is the reason I am scared, or maybe it’s the idea that I would have to see the same face every single morning when I wake up; how do people do it?!

Do relationships define us? They do. At some point in our lives, relationships do define who we are and what we are, in this case, happy. Happy because you have someone in your life who is willing to take you as you are; your alligator mornings breathe to boot! Someone who completes you and looks at you in that way that makes your tummy flutter [someone has hacked my blog! I do not speak like this!]. This person basically makes you feel, each day of your life, like you are the luckiest woman/man alive.

Not all relationships work out, nope, some are even disastrous, but being women [I do not count myself here] we hold on and hope that someday, he will see the sense in what we have [I prefer “had”] and he will straighten himself out and come back home. By this I mean, some women have a one sided relationship with the man being an absentee and the kids only remember him when he decides to show his face at home to pick up a suit. It’s sad, but it happens. I have so many things I could say about these men, but I do not think they deserve the space.
As women, we have clocks in our bodies that let us know when it’s time to get on to another stage in our lives; and sometimes, we need to stop being so hard headed and listen to the ticking. You know when you see a mother carrying a child and you think, “aawww, that is so cute. I wish I had me one of those” well, hint, hint. That is all I’m going to say. Not that you should go and get yourself knocked up or anything, everything has its time; but you need to realize, no woman is an island and you need someone to be with you, a shoulder to lean on, a friend who is next to you, not a call away, no; right next to you.

Now I have been listening and my clock says it’s time for me to stop rambling and get some sleep. I am not going to wake up kesho and decide that I needs me a man to marry me, no, I will take my time and like I said all things at the right time.
We all need somebody.
Chew on that, will you?

Friday, July 15, 2011

For Nancy Adwar

There are so many words that you could use to describe when you don’t have any control over a situation but the only one that comes to mind is, ‘helpless’.
A little while ago, my friend lost someone that meant the world to them and when I found out, I dint know what to say, wait, I did, and I thought to myself, “I am so sorry” but what would that do to or for them?
I lost my mom 16 years ago and I was 10 years old; I thought my world had ended and I dint want anyone near me, I basically hated everyone, God was right on top of that list because my young mind dint think that it was fair of Him to take the center of my world away, I thought that He loved people and that He wouldn’t do anything to hurt people’s moms because they did all the work for Him, here on Earth, like they were His angels, but for here, not up there.
Now, am crying while I write this [and my vision is getting so blurred by tears I have to breathe and sniff just so I can go on writing] and even though it was that long ago and I accepted the way things are, I still feel like it should not be like that, coz it is so hard when you lose someone and for a while it seems as if your whole world has come to a complete stand still.
I totally get this feeling but it doesn’t mean I ever know what someone else is feeling, no, when you lose someone, it a different pain altogether , it’s a personal pain, deep inside you and nothing anyone can say could ever take it away.
So I think I think about my friend and I think of what he is going through, what his family is going through, and I can’t begin to comprehend, all I think is, I hope they are strong together and that they will take this to make them as a family and their love for each other even stronger.
Nancy Adwar, I did not know you, but I know someone who thought and still thinks the world of you; this is for you, from your friends, your family and from me, who never knew you but I love them, and in essence, that brings you into the equation:


Never a dull moment while you were around
Always had us in stitches and smiling just coz you did too
Now that you are gone, it doesn’t change, we are still smiling
Coz you live on in our hearts where it matters most
You, my dear, have gone up to Him; down here, we miss and love you still.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Of Politics...

I found out the other day that Martha has paid her taxes and since “everyone” else has been making it like a public declaration that they are doing this tremendously awesome thing that only superhuman beings could do, well, I was elated to not see it in the news but to actually hear it from someone and I was relieved that she did not make a public spectacle of it; I am a Kenyan, I have been paying my taxes and I haven't had TV crew following me and filming the whole process because it is expected of me to do this, curses to those leaders who have been making a spectacle of the process and making me want to hit them with a stick when I watch news and I see them in line waiting to pay “their taxes” *pah!*

A few months ago, some friends of mine approached me and asked about my views on what I think Kenya is or has become and If I could change it, what I would want with the current system, well, after the whole fracas of 2007/8 I hated all that the government represented and I had at some point thought of asking Jennifer Garner if she knew of any assassin school I could go to. But I digress, I gave them my two cents and they listened and asked me what I want to do about it, well, I wanted to do some pretty nasty stuff, but I dint want them thinking I was crazy, so I went with the sane answer, I wanted a fresh start, I wanted my faith in the government restored, I wanted a country I wasn't ashamed of. I rambled on [I tend to do that a lot] and finally asked what they were getting at, well, they were shooting an ad of sorts for no other than; Martha Karua, and they wanted me to say, in one word, what I wanted for my country....i thought that was impossible, but I thought, yeah, sure, lets see how this goes; so we settle on a day and I head on home

On the said day, we take a cab and we head out, let me paint you a picture: when you have been brought up on the East side of town, when you go to the other side, there is some sort of 'shock' [like culture shock, but not] and awe that there is such difference between where you are and where you are from, it even feels like the air is different!
Fenced in compounds, nice looking houses that you catch glimpses of through lush trees [where I live, there is building after, storied, building; and I live on the second floor of one of them and I don't see any trees. Ever. I want to live in a place like this, some day, I muse] Uniformed 'help' walking a child in a pram and then we get to these double gates, and I almost feel like we should have blindfolds or bags over our heads so we don't know where we are exactly, but no, we get in, nice looking compound, cobbled from the gate to the front of the house, the porch, I think its called.
To one side is a garden that is a bit raised with several steps leading to it, a bush that looks like it was deliberately placed and a nice shady tree in front of it. I want to run and roll in the grass, but I am wary, thinking of my three “C's” - cool, calm and collected, like I have my wits about my ears; again, I wish I lived here. The thing that surprised me the most was, it was not a pretentious home like those in Nigerian films, no; neither was the feel of the place overwhelming, it kind of beckoned to me, I don't know about the other guys I was with, but I wanted to walk into the house, whose door was ajar, and plonk on a seat somewhere inside.

So the director of the shoot comes out and tells us what to do, we get some dry runs in and finally, she walks out of the house, says hi to everyone, listens to the director, and I try not to stare at her. She laughs at herself when she makes a mistake and goes to change when she is asked to...the shoot goes really well.[see her face book videos]

After, we have tea and juice with fruits and pastries and then she sat down with us to have lunch, she tells us to sit at some shaded spot away from the bald spot on the grounds, she says she lets the grass grow on its own, doesn't water the lawn because its just wrong to do that and there are people who do not have water, I am impressed at how unpretentious she is!

Now you do understand, when you hear of one of the politicians, you don't really think you would be sitting down with them having a meal without first having to jump through so many hoops and having to speak to so many other people; yet there she was, across the garden table from me.
She tells us about herself and her life growing up, her first job, her first holiday, I’m amazed that she isn't trying to “sell us” into voting for her, no, she just talks like we have known her for so long, tells us of funny incidences and I look at her and I think, I would love to have such an approachable person leading our country. Someone who feels like a mother, a sister, a friend all in one, she listens when someone interjects or asks her a question and doesn't avoid answering any of them.

We laugh and joke, and finally [unfortunately] we have to leave; but I have a different view of who she is and I start doing research on her, she is as straight as they come and a single mom, and after meeting her son on that day, and hear her speak of her daughter, well, she did a pretty good job. I was raised by a single mom and I dint turn out so bad, in my books, a woman who raises her kids single handed, doesn't send them away to her mother and they turn out responsible adults, well, you have my backing coz I saw my mom do it and she is my hero.

So today I see a guy on fb write that Martha sell all her property and give the money to starving people in Wajir, am not saying this is an inane comment, but you see how I would be drawn to that conclusion, huh?
Sometimes we do not think things through, in as much as they are our leaders, they are also people, this person commenting like this, why hasn't he sold all his stuff and gone and fed people? She, Martha is in a position of power, a position which enables her to actually initiate change, I will say, have you seen what she has done in Gichugu? Coz I did and I was impressed with the advancement, sanitary, health and educational facilities are done so well.
Y'all [why did I just write that?!] know that I don't really get into political discussions, but after I met Martha Karua, I changed my mind. She is a force to reckon with because she is what all the others haven't been, she is available and ready to make a difference and I believe in her.

I remember when I was little and I loved where I lived, it was nice, clean and safe and all my neighbors were family, even though they beat me up sometimes because I did silly things like light up fireworks at their windows for laughs, it was great that I knew I was safe. I no longer feel that now and I would want to, she gave me hope for that, and I want to hold on to that hope. I am so getting up on that day and voting for her, I will lose sleep, but I will have had a hand in trying to make a change for my Kenya.

Shae went all political...im proud of me.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Of Social Media et all


My first peek into social media was through Yahoo and I discovered yahoo chat rooms and the ever faithful messenger; needless to say, I met a lot of weirdos and since I had watched a considerable amount of telly, well, I was wary of sexual predators and of the ever looming identity thieves, though I doubt now I had much to worry about the later since I had exactly nothing but clothes to my name, and even those were debatable since my cousins pretty much owned half of them....i made some good friends from yahoo, and we'd be in the same cyber but chatting it was glorious, knowing that I could reach people all over, so I started e-mailing my cousins in the states (why do we say this?) because the time difference would not allow for much chatting and then I discovered Google mail and HI5 and then Facebook and much more recently, Twitter. (I also have a Myspace!! * hides in shame *)

So now that I have given a rundown on that, I want to get to what made me take that stroll [memory lane] I recently realized that most of the friends I have and I enjoy “spending” time with, I do not really know and I have not met but I feel like they are family, like I have known them for the longest time. In the same light, I started thinking if this is the way we are now living, I sit at a table with my friends but we find it easier to tweet that to have an actual conversation and if we do have a conversation, social media will come up, ”....so last night I was on Twitter and this guy...OMG, he has such a hot avi!”

Most of our lives is spent online and it seems, the only way you can meet people is if you do it online.
I don't know any people who have met online and became a “thing” but I know quite a few people who have met and hooked up from facebook and twitter, and by that I mean, had sex.

Is this the new dating scene? And more importantly, would you date someone you met online?

Don't get me wrong, but if you hit on me and I haven't had a decent conversation with you or “known” you for more than a month [daily conversations] then I will not give you the time of day!
Given, I am a ridiculous flirt and I WILL lead you on because sometimes I get bored and anywhere I can catch a thrill, even a cheap one, then I take it! And maybe I will even set up a date with you, but you need to know that I am very intricate with my schemes and that I am a conniving B* who will sit with you just so I can watch you get ideas [that I will help build] into your skull and then walk away, that is just me; a thrill seeker...but maybe its because I have yet to meet that one person who will impress me just as much in person as they do in cyber space because most people are brilliant online but are a total disappointment in person, they just don't measure up.

Even though “this isn't America” where we are told of oh, so many online sexual predators, there is always the risk that some sick bastard somewhere has discovered that there are so many needy people out there [and we are needy, what, with “adding/accepting/following”] and it would be like a kid in a candy store for this predator; I sure am glad Onyancha never did a cyber thing!
And now that I actually have something to my name, I am scared of identity thieves, and am still afraid that someone will try to dupe me, and not those “Nigerian Princes” who have fake ass accounts that need someone else {read, 'me'} to access them.

Cyber space is a wonderful addition to my life, I have met great minds, hilarious people and made some awesome (a few weird ones too) friends, but I am still wary of it because, the machines have really taken over...

I will be back. Asta la vista, baby. * in Schwarzenegger's voice *

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Of Marriages and What Nots...

There’s a guy I know who would like a woman to marry and I am happy for him, but his comes with other constraints; she has to know how to cook and every day after work, he wants to get home and find her cooking in the kitchen, wants her to not go out and drink, better yet, not drink at all; she has to be with him [or want to be] when he is watching footie, not really a career woman…..
I looked at this guy and all I could think was, “Really? Do those actually exist? Or do you have to have one custom made?”
I have views on the whole marriage issue and mine might be jaded by the fact that almost all the people I know aren’t [haven’t been] in very good ones and I am yet to get convinced to try and wrap my head around the idea of my being in one. But I still think that a marriage is like a contract and there is a whole lot of give and take and the demands that this guy was putting across were basically unachievable.
Look at it this way, you meet me at the bar, am sipping on my drink, and you want to talk with me, the most probable scenario that would play out would be you asking to buy me a drink and if I accept, then it is basically an opening for a conversation, hopefully not shouted into my ear coz it’s so loud in the pub and me being reduced to smiling and nodding to what you are saying even though I can barely hear a word!
So we met in the pub and despite the noise, we agree we like each other, several other pub visits and we start going out and a few months/years later, we are hitched, would you really expect that I will not drink or want to go to the pub? Well, that is being a tad bit ambitious on your part coz I will also not expect you to put your balls in my purse either….savvy?
We look at relationships and marriage, which is technically a relationship, like it should change everything but I think it should be on the contrary. Just because we are into the marriage/relationship doesn’t mean you still can’t buy me flowers or that I can’t give you a massage before you sleep or that we can’t go out and have fun with other people around us… I know I will get bored if all I see is you. The one thing i believe in is that just because we are now together, doesn’t mean that I don’t have a life other than with you, I still have friends and family that I will want to see and sometimes, I will want to be with just me to read a book, get a mani-/pedi -treatment, just be me; and you as the person I have chosen to be with should be able to understand that.
Most women now, are career women and it would take a very strong woman to decide to leave her career to just cater to you; first coz its bloody boring and then there’s the subject of impracticality, seeing as most households need two incomes to get through, life is expensive and even though most men will want to take care of the family, well, you, sir, are only one man and you can only do so much.
I appreciate the machismo and to some extent, admire it, but hey, sweetie, no one expects you to be more than you can be, least of all me (yaani, your significant other). Given, there are those women who expect the man to do everything, but practically, you will come in at some point, maybe to buy tomatoes or a matchbox, but you will still contribute in some way to the running of things.
If and when I am in a relationship, I like feeling like we are almost equal or at par but I am practical enough to allow him the privilege to keep his balls and pay the bills and treat me like a damsel in distress once in a while, but I have never, even once thought that I could leave my career for you, even if you are Trump, I still want to feel like I have something to call my own.
You take away my “things” I will also want to take away yours, I quit my job, then I want you to stop watching footie with the boys not unless its in the house, basically, its detrimental to both of us. Keep what you love, I will keep what I love then we can both love each other and not the image we want to have of the other person.

Shae out to get some lurvin’!

Friday, June 10, 2011

Of Relationships or Lack There of

I read someone's tweet and she said that all ugly whores [spelt “hoes”] have sex on the first date and I thought, no, even pretty women have been known to do this. This got me thinking and I came to the conclusion that the first date determines your relationship with a person [did that make me sound learned and like I knew what I was on about?]

When I was younger, way younger, and I had a boy [adorable how I called them that, 'boy'] ask me to kiss him, I would, and did, write the poor tyke a very long list of reasons why we shouldn't engage in such behavior; I actually believed that kissing was a behavior...aaaahhh to be young and naïve again.
Back then, I, honestly, believed that “purity” counted and I held on to that till I was about 20 and then I discovered sex and we all know how it goes from there. I am no super woman and I did hold on to my innocence as long as I could, but, hey.... [If you don't then you shouldn't be reading this, it has a PG rating on it.]
On the same note, is everyone's “first time” a disappointment or was that just me? But the second time sort of made up for it. Enough about that..

Nowadays, all that belief in saving “it” for that special person seems to have gone away with...oh, I cant think of anything since everything is apparently making a comeback! Like the flared pants, button up blouses...But I digress, purity and romance are now a thing of the past and I think for most, going out to drink and to party is as romantic as it gets, though I know there is someone whose idea of a perfect time would be dinner/coffee and conversation....im dreamy eyed over this notion...then the glass shatters when you meet those who just want sex and a good time which I think is the same thing, no?

One night stands are so common, though I would prefer mine goes the Jazmine Sullivan's way, with him turning out to be my kryptonite and finding myself making him pancakes in the morning, not saying bye or me getting breakfast made for me.... Well, it is not like this....its so common, people doing the walk of shame..
I think the reason so many of us have resorted to this is not coz we don't want a meaningful relationship, no, its coz there are so many “if's” and “maybe's” and its just to much work to try and sort it all out, so hey, meaningless, almost, un-guilty sex...maybe, but I still want me that guy who will sweep me of my feet, take me out to dinner so I can put those dresses to good use...

My friend says that no one ever meets anyone while they are single, they always have someone in their lives and the only way you can deal with this is to make yourself available coz maybe, just maybe, the person they are with ain't really meant for them, so you make yourself available and maybe he notices you, and well, the cogs come together nicely. I believe this is true coz otherwise, we wouldn't have to look at that guy/girl while we are with him/her, we would be content. Or else, its just us being human and allowing our eyes and thoughts to rove.

Relationships are hard to find and harder to keep, so I think I would rather make up my own rules as I go coz rules, the ones that were made for dating, are on a scroll somewhere gathering dust along with King Tut's mboches.
Just because I slept with you on the first date doesn't necessarily mean im an “ugly hoe” [smh, what is this mangling of this language we speak?] no, maybe I just hadn't had some for a while, or you were so attractive I lost my mind, or I left my reason on the table along with the tip for the waiter, so don't blame me, blame him for not running after me and returning it.
But seriously, rules of dating, they are different now than they were before coz I know a couple who are still together, and happily so, even though their first date was a one night stand of bunny sex.

I think that a relationship is what you make it, and sex, the same, if you let sex define your relationship with someone, then, hey, that is your decision, I believe you shape what you want, and I believe in not dwelling on what society deems the norm. someone tweeted, “Heterosexual is not normal, its just common” not necessarily looking at it literally, but it makes a whole lot of sense, that statement...just coz its normal for people to think you a “hoe” because you gave it up the first night/day, doesn't necessarily mean you are....

Shae, OUT!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Of Women And Their Daddies (the clean version you perv!!!)

A little while ago I was talking with my girl pal Imogene, (not her name, but sounds so exotic) and after she had downed a few drinks, she mentioned her father, I mean, “Mr. Dad Dad” both names. She does that, don't know why, wont pretend to. But my point is, as I kinda spaced out, almost every single time we sit down to talk, her dad would come up and she would go on about how her dad is the perfect man and how she adores him; on this particular day, she literally cried while she was talking....it was a foreign thing to me seeing as he was still alive (I cry when I speak about my mom sometimes, but she is with the angels so I relate) and not sick...

I have never understood the whole “dad” thing, im sorry, but I found out that I had a father who was alive at 20, the man I thought was my father wasn't and he had joined the angels the same year I was born; so I think im abit lost on it since my “daddy” turned out to be a bastard (he he funny since I was really a bastard child) and I have never really had a father figure to look up to and adore blindly.

So my friend talks about her daddy and how he never lifted his hand to beat them and was always available to her and how they are like best friends she even says she will name her son after him, both names; then the chick opposite us picks up on our conversation and also goes on and on about the dad and how he even confronted the hubby at some point and how he always stood by her side....long story short, this wasn't the first time I had heard women talking adoringly about their fathers and im sure it wasn't the last.

I am the total opposite on this one, I don't really know my dad, never got to talk apart from that time I called trying to get to know him and he addressed me as “madam” which I took as an insult but excused, but then he did something else that made me “kill” him off, so I meet a guy and they call me “madam” I have already dismissed you and I am reading a book while you are talking to my face. I am biased so much I don't date anyone who has the same first name as he does, I also kind of avoid the second name too, hey, they might be of the same bloodline, I don't want that kind of ish near me, pole. I know a few of my friends would agree with me on this, the ones who are twisted and too far gone like me.


To all men, just so you know, women (most women) are looking for their dad in you when you are dating and if you want to keep them, well, you need to “daddy-up”. I do not envy you this venture and my advice would be to date a chic with daddy issues, the perfect mate who, mostly, has no qualms about anything, they are so much fun, and crazy in a way, but still a whole lot of fun, it almost compensates for the crazy in her. Either way, a woman will always have a yardstick that she uses to measure you by and the sooner you get your research into place, the better, or not, we are fickle beings like that.

All the best with daddy's girls' and woe betide you if you don't measure up and he knows where you live...hehehehehe

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Happily Never After

“And he shattered something else
She dragged her suitcase down the path
To the driveway
She had never gone that far
Normally this would be,
The time that she
Would let him talk her out of it
But this time, without crying,
As she got into her car, she said,
‘No, happily never after, that just ain’t for me
Because finally I know, I deserve better, after all
I’ll never let another tear drop fall’ ”
Pussy Cat Dolls “Happily Never After” Doll Domination


I was making dinner yesterday, yeah, yeah, I know! But I was and I was listening to music from my flash and this song came on, while I was dicing tomatoes, I went and looped it coz it struck a nerve.

There is a very beautiful woman and mother I know and love with all my heart and she is and has been in an abusive [physical] relationship and when I heard this song, I wished and prayed, like I have done so many other times, that she would do this, free herself, just leave and for once, be happy just being.

The relationship she is in is abusive on so many levels it is as illegal as it is saddening; and so many of us, women, are in these relationships and we still hold on. It may not necessarily be physical, it could be emotional or mental torture and it is the easiest thing to find yourself in this kind of relationship, it creeps up on you and unconsciously, you let it fester.

I am not one of those self righteous people who tell others stories and they have no clue about what ‘it’ is really about, and am not saying I know exactly how someone else feels, but I have been there, I have been in an abusive relationship and I hope by my coming out, it will help someone realize that coming out of it is the only way to free yourself and be happy.


It was the usual; boy meets girl story and the ‘one thing led to another’ cliché…..
He was really nice and at that time, a breath of fresh air from the guys I had met and I was really happy. It was like that for a long while but then after several months, I realized that I was trying really hard [and it was getting harder]to make everyone believe that I was happy and that he was the reason for it all; but when I got into the house, I would be on auto pilot and I would have this smile on my face, coz he liked it when I smiled, (he said I had a pretty smile) that I would make sure never faltered, I would be all dressed up for him but I was crying on the inside and on my pillow almost every night.

See I had to have everything perfect for when he got home otherwise he would curse and “talk at me” and he would call me names, saying nasty ass things to me like “and you still wonder why your father wants nothing to do with you?! You are a waste of skin and space, good for nothing, you should be grateful I give you the time of day!” the insults weren’t what was really bad, no, it was the fact that I believed him, that I believed that no one else would “have” me, that without him, I wouldn’t be.
After such a tirade I would rush to correct whatever trivial matter irked him knowing very well that that wasn’t the end of it. He never raised his hand to hit me but every now and then, I would have to wear panty hose to hide marks on the sides of my knees where he would have pressed when I was seated next to him for being “a smart mouth” to his friends, I had to “just sit and look pretty” for him. Sometimes, I couldn’t hold back and I opened my mouth to speak and I would end up gasping from the pain, sometimes it was so painful, I had to ice it and not come out of the house for at least a day. He would use his thumb and middle finger on either side of my knee and press in really hard, sometimes he dint even use so much force, but it still hurt to high heaven.

It was small things at first which I excused by saying to myself, “you are the one who keeps pushing him into doing it” but then one day; he came home, late as usual, and he got into bed and he touched me, and I moved away, I dint want to, but he did, and apparently what he wants, he has to have, I said no, but he dint, wouldn’t hear any of it. That was the first night that he raped me, and I dint, couldn’t do anything about it. How do you even start?! “My boyfriend raped me….” Who would believe that that was possible? Who would listen to me?

I just lay there and cried because if I struggled it seemed to excite him, and I figured if I just lay there quietly, it would be over sooner. After he was done with his atrocity on me I curled into a ball near the wall and cried myself to sleep. This went on for a long time, he would come home late and “take” everything from me, and since he knew he could get away with it, he decided that he needed to go to the next level…

I will never forget that day, he bought me chocolates and flowers, my favorites, lilies, white, delicate lilies; this was the man I fell in love with, the one who knew my favorite flowers, color, shoes…

We ended up in bed but for the wrong reason, he wanted something different, I struggled and cried, threatened to scream, tried to hit him (I was a tiny size 8 then, he was like 3 times bigger than me!) but he won, it was inevitable. It was pain like I had never known and I couldn’t even cry anymore, it hurt to even move and it felt like forever before he stopped. He had buggered me and I vowed to leave as soon as he got out the door, but I couldn’t move, it hurt to just breathe!! As usual, I curled up and cried myself to sleep, maybe when I woke up it would just be a bad [awfully so] dream.

When I did wake up, he was there, looking at me like I meant the world to him, and he said he was sorry, he said he wouldn’t do it again, and I believed him.
I guess you know how this next part goes, he did it again and again and I let him. Here you ask, “Why dint you just leave?”
And I will answer with what every woman has at one point said, “I loved him”

One time, it hurt so bad and I got really sick, an infection, I went to my gaenae, and I told him, a sort of disclaimer before he started his exam on me, that he couldn’t ask any questions that were personal and he couldn’t tell my siz (he was an intern when my mom was a nurse, she took him under her wing).
He did his exam, looked at me, I cried but I couldn’t, wouldn’t tell him anything. It hurt bad enough that I could let this happen to me, and now he knew too and I just lay there, looking at the ceiling and I just cried. After that visit, it became so frequent, he said, “You know you can always leave and you will have the support of your family and friends, they are there for you”

After sometime, I heard that he had other girls over when I wasn’t around, I dint want to believe it, “after all that we had been through!” [It sounds ridiculous to me now that I thought like that]
I went and packed my bags and went to my pals’, I lay on her couch like a zombie, and she let me, I dint eat , I dint feel like it, I wanted to die, I thought that would make it all better.

One time, she came home and she took me to the bathroom, told me to look at myself, and I dint like what I saw, I had let myself go! I had dark bags under my eyes, I had a haunted look in my eyes, my face was splotchy and my hair was a mess!!! I looked at her in the mirror and I cried, just cried.

I went back after a week, don’t ask me why, I still don’t know why I did anything back then, but I went back and it was good at first but he is what he is and it was back to routine, pain, and more pain.
I left many times after that, but I always went back.

The last time I left, I dint wait for him to leave the house, no I told him I was leaving, he just sat there and watched his big ass telly and save for a squinty look towards me, acted like I dint exist. I took a step into his living room, told him not to call me, not to look for me because I deserved better and I was going to learn to love me because I had forgotten how that felt like. He paused what he was watching and I thought to myself, “this is it, this is the day that he will finally hit me, can I take it?” I was shaking as I stood there, but I knew in my heart that if I dint stand my ground, I would be back in, and I would come back.
He said, “Yeah, you deserve better. Everyone deserves better. So go, what you waiting for? Go look for someone who will stand you.”

I did just that, I packed up my stuff, left my set of keys on the hall table, and I walked out the door, I cried the whole way to the cabs lot, and I dint care that anyone was looking, I dint care because for the first time, I had stood up to him, and for the first time, I knew that I couldn’t go back, not after that anyway.
I moved to a different town, (turned off my cell) somewhere quiet and I got a place to lay my head and just cry, for a whole week [seriously, I cried all the time for a whole week; when I wasn’t sleeping, I cried, in the shower, I cried in bed…] it did me a whole world of good, to just let it out.

When I eventually decided I had had enough of self pity, I got up and left the house, I smelt the flowers, am serious, I bent down and took a big whiff and I listened to the children playing outside my gate, the birds…I listened to life going on. You see, while I was wallowing in self pity, the world was still going round, it dint stop for me, for my misery, so it must have not been that important!

It wasn’t easy to leave and get on, more like start life all over again, build on my esteem, and I dint do it alone, I asked some people close to me to just be there for me, I dint tell them everything, and this is the first time I am actually admitting this out publicly, and I hope that by telling my story….you know.

When you decide that you deserve better, then you walk out and you walk into your life, the way that it’s supposed to be.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Falling...

I have realized that more often than not, when I meet up with my friends, something very exciting happens, and this time, I felt emotion that I haven't felt in a long time! I felt stirrings that I had thought vanquished.

I went to meet my pal, and she was at this eatery/pub that was outdoors. I approached the table she was at and she was smiling up at me, I smiled back and looked to see who else was at her table, there were two other men, and then there was him. He was bringing a bottle of beer to his lips...i think they told me their names at that point, but I only had eyes for him.

“Hi, am Anne”, I said extending my hand for handshakes all round, then I took a seat between him and the other guy who turned out to be his brother. I asked to be introduced again, “just for clarity”, and then asked what they had been talking about; that got them back on track and the attention away from me. I cast a furtive glance at him and, God! Was he good looking!! and boy! Could I stare!

Now I have this uncanny ability to do several things at the same time; i can carry on a conversation with one person on this subject and with another about something totally different with the simple use of, “where was I? Oh, yeah....then she said that it was too expensive, can you believe her?!” and I would still have space in my head to think of what shoes I would wear the next day, how I need to pick up that new movie; and the things I would do with him if we were alone...

There I was having my girl explain to me what the conversation they were having was about, between listening to her colleague trying to decode and decipher my name, trying to ignore the delicious smell of him and letting my mind wander to such far places all with him in them.

Maybe its just me, but do all women visualize being with the objects of their attraction?...

“Can I please have a ginger ale with a slice of lemon?” my choice of drink raised objection from all of them to which I had to convince them that I would partake of the alcoholic family of beverages when we got to the next stop.

Oh, oh, I actually decided to try my hand at this drinking business. I went out with a pal and I discovered this divinely sweet drink; Malibu. It is sweet and has a little burn, a warmth to it....
So I downed my sweet new discovery and I got high fast!!! I don't know if it is the sugar or the alcohol that got to me first, but I felt an out of this world sugar rush and then a highly potent feeling that was bordering on unawareness...Hey!! am new at this, let me have my 15 seconds of awe at being high; and I think after 4 neat doubles of this sweet stuff; and being a newbie of sorts, I was knacker-ed!
I am just glad I was with a friend so I wasn't totally embarrassed (not that I really cared), that he watched me stuff my face with a plateful of glazed chicken wings because of the serious case of the munchies that I got after the drinks....

Back in the present, we left and my friend tells me that she would leave with the other guys and if I could leave with Mr. Gorgeous then we would meet up later, I wasn't given room to argue with that, so off we went to “The Office” such an uncanny name for a pub, pure genius!
He drives fast and now that we are locked up in this seemingly tiny space, all can smell and feel is his scent and I want to lean over to him, so I hold on to the seat and I hope that this would be read as fear and not me practicing restraint.
“You are pretty, you know..” he says to me, and I reply with a “Why, thank you. I like your eyes” (and the way you smile, and the way you lick your lips...though I did not say that.)

He is tall and casually puts his arm around my shoulders, his scent enveloping me, Givenchy? Blue? I cant quite place it....

I am glad to see my pal and I slump next to her on the couch. I like this place, the lighting is really nice, the couches and bucket seats in black leather, the floor tiles a white with blue splotches of water - thing going on. The lighting is intimate without necessarily crowding the place unlike that dark club with red lighting which requires you to use sonar to find your way!
I ask for sweet white wine and get comfortable; I nod my head to the “old skool” music that is playing and showing on the screens; DJ Joe of Capital knows his stuff, I muse.

I look at him and I smile and cover my blush with a sip of my wine. My pal leaves and am left looking at him, I shift seats and get between him and his brother, splitting my attention between the two of them. My wine seems to be refilling itself coz I never run out!

I am whispering in his ear and my lips brush up on the side of his face, I cant help it, I kiss him right below his ear and then on the line of his jaw, I look into his eyes and then turn back to his brother though not for long and I turn again and this time, I don't stop at his jaw line, his lips are soft on mine, not demanding anything, just giving and I guess my fate was sealed; the whole pub went quiet, like nothing else existed at that moment apart from him and I......

Monday, February 28, 2011

Sleepless In....

It’s about 2 in the AM and am in bed trying to sleep, I have been trying to fall asleep for the past 3 hours!! Just when I think I have gotten it, I hear a woman yelling outside in “Kao”; she is ranting and raving and at first I cant make out what she is saying, and I am listening [I make no apologies]. I get out of bed and in my flimsy “nighty” I go to my balcony, its bloody cold and am shivering, but you have to understand that this has grown to be more of a habit than anything else, you hear commotion around here, and we all troop to our respective balconies to witness.

Here I have to explain, I live in a flat surrounded by so many other buildings and we are neighbors who speak only when such incidences occur, mostly coz our work hours permit us to meet at these times only and “catch up” with what is going on with the not so sane neighbors around us. In essence, whatever happens in the next building basically happens close enough for us to be privy to.
So you must have gathered from this that where I live this is almost a daily occurrence and it may as well be termed as normal and it provides “entertainment” albeit the late hours. We have drunken accapella-ists, boxers [or a drunken likeness to it] and those that are very good at verbal exchanges of insults [am dead serious here, they exchange insults and then they walk away!!! Like they were having a conversation!]

Back to my night, there I was, scantily clad, looking over the railing of my balcony at this drunk woman screaming her head off at her sister [lets call her ‘Calm’] who am assuming is either deaf or dead asleep in her house in the flats next to mine. She, the afore mentioned sister has apparently refused to let the ranting, raving sister [we’ll call her ‘Noisy’] into the building and I dint have to be a genius to know it was because she is a drunken nuisance. I wouldn’t let her into my building either!
Well, ‘Noisy’ is really irked and she decides, or rather, declares, that if she wont be let in, no one in that building [neighbors, us, included] would get any sleep, hey, am proof of this!
She takes rocks and pelts the gate with them all the while screaming at ‘Calm’ who is now standing at her balcony looking at ‘Noisy’ like she had never laid eyes on her before [I cant see this, but am saying it either way for effect]. She has a cell in her hand so am assuming she is calling her mother to tell on ‘Noisy’.

On her way to pick up another rock, our watchman gets out and goes at her for waking him up, “how in the hell are we supposed to get any sleep with you making such a racket?!” Hello?!!! You aint supposed to get any sleep dummy! You are supposed to scare away those guys who vandalized my house a while back!! So he follows her, pleads with her to go away, threatens to beat her up, to no avail since she is too drunk to scare. Not so easily daunted is the caretaker of the building that is the object of her fury, he warns her and promptly comes down the stairs mop stick in hand. Seeing this, ‘Noisy’ sits down on the ground like a deflated balloon, she just flops down, he he, I think she sobered up at that instant.

‘Calm’ is talking on the phone and from what the wind blows up to me, I figure she is talking to her boyfriend coz she says she is scared and for the person to come home, at 2AM?! I would have to love you a whole lot for me to get out of my bed because you are scared. Said ‘Noisy’ has since gotten into an argument with the two men and the caretaker gives her two very loud slaps at which point she vows she doesn’t have a sister and walks away, am sure she is now totally sober and heads, God knows where!

Well, back into the house, and try again to fall asleep thanking God that I have a very sane sister who wouldn’t ever pull such a stunt.

Friday, January 28, 2011

To You

Bright days, beautiful people

In everything I have done, what I have become

Real people like you have always been there

The whole nine yards you have gone for me

Holding my hand or offering a shoulder to lean on

Daily reminders of just how much you mean to me

Always humbles me to know y’all are there

You are my life, my loves, and my reason

So this is to you, for being you to me.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Insomnia


Yesterday, I couldn’t fall asleep, I tried, and it being a working day today, I really tried to catch some snooze but I couldn’t. I sat up and watched that series called “Knight Rider”, you know, the one with that car that I want for my birthday!
I thought that maybe I would fall asleep coz I was watching telly without my glasses; that maybe my eyes would tire. Well, they dint and I dint fall asleep and by the time it clocked 4.00AM, I had given up, figured I would watch CSI Las Vegas too and then shower and go to work.

I had a latte yesterday after so long without taking coffee, it may have been the reason that I couldn’t fall asleep, but the real reason isn’t so nice, no. the real reason is; I was unhappy.
For some reason, these lyrics from Thriving Ivory’s song ‘Angels on the moon’ kept playing in my head:
“Don’t tell me if am dying coz I don’t wanna know
If I can’t see the sunrise, maybe I should go
Don’t wake me coz am dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon”

Ironic; seeing as I was awake.
It played over and over in my head and I liked it, it was different from the havoc that was going on inside me. It was a welcome difference; a distraction; something…anything.

I make very little sense to myself all this while that I am awake, listening to the neighbors, its quiet, still, like they are listening to hear what am doing too.
I think maybe there is something bothering me that is why I cant sleep, but I don’t feel like that is totally true because I have been sad before and I still fell asleep, and my falling asleep was actually attributed partly to my being sad….cry it out and fall asleep.

I have been hurt, by someone I care deeply for and part of me doesn’t understand it, the other part wants to dismiss it and call it “the past”. I am very good at that; putting issues in the past, I find it easier to deal with that way.
This time, I am not so lucky. I think and rethink the situation. I wonder why it affects me so. On one hand, I have received the best news ever, on the other, im thinking, I don’t need this! But maybe I do, if only for my growth.

Swirling confusion like a bad song on loop that just won’t go away, round and round taking pieces of me with it on its psychotic delusional ride! I feel almost empty, muddled up inside, like im going to hurl but I fear I may get out my very soul if I do.
A churning telling of an unprecedented eruption, like a volcano letting loose its regurgitated molted heat, I feel it taking over me, consuming me, taking my very essence away into the deep recess that is my self, I hope against everything I have, everything I feel that I will not lose myself to my self…I hold on to the last vestiges of my soul that is in the throes of a dance that is to the death, a duel that can only have the ultimate one left alive…..

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Me


And yet again i gave my heart
Gave it out on a silver plate
Gave it out with trusting hands
Gave it out to be crushed; again.

And yet again i dared to love
Knowing fully well where it would lead
Knowing that i had opened a can of worms
Knowing that i wouldn't be whole. Again.

And yet again i still allowed it in
Letting it consume me
Letting it take over my whole being
Letting it burn all my reserves; again.

And yet again i felt
Longing that i thought was gone
Longing that i never knew could be
Longing that killed me; again!

And yet again i was a broken hearted girl.
Again.