My Best Friend

I’m in love with my best friend.

At least I think I am, in love, that is; and I am not even sure I can call him my best friend.

But what I am sure of, is that every time I am with him, I feel like nothing else matters, like he makes it all ok.

When did this start? Let’s see…. I think it started long before I acknowledged it to myself, but it has been a process.

I realized, just the other day, when we were watching a movie, with his arm comfortably around my shoulders, and this really mushy scene comes up, I sniff, try to turn away, you know its corny to cry in a movie; but he holds me tighter, rubs my arm, and places a little kiss on my temple like he understands.

Now the person I am with, never, ever does something like that, they would be laughing their ass off, you know, those loud guffaws (I don’t know how this sounds, but I imagine that what would come out of their mouth would be it.) so I get more comfortable, snuggle up to him, mmmmhhhh, the rest of the movie goes pretty much the same way all movies go; break-up, make-up, and happy ending, which by the way, was a beautiful sunset. At this point I really miss all the action that I love in movies, blood, twisted metal, cracked and broken pavements and roads…yeah, I like violence on the screen, otherwise its not worth paying for, which explains that I did not pay for this movie, but I had nothing to do and we were both “plot-less” since am not the ‘lets go have a drink’ type, movie it was, and only the soppy one appealed to us.

So I get up, pull him up, he always indulges me these little childish plays, and he will never know this, but it gives me immense pleasure to actually be with him. We walk down the isle, he is holding my hand, am swinging his, and he looks at me, I feel like a little child; a happy, content, little child.

We walk out of the cinema, and it hits me; I AM in love with my best friend!

Short of plopping down on the stairs and being agape, I let go of his hand and went to the bathroom (that is the polite way to say ‘toilet’ a lady never says ‘toilet’) and I look at my face in the mirror, I put my jaw back up, and I feel really chilly! I have this look in my eyes, am serious, its there, I can barely recognize me!

“Deep breaths, deep breaths, calm yourself!”

I think I have been in the bathroom for an awfully long time and he might become suspicious, so I will have to get out now, pretend that everything is ok, that I was “just going to the bathroom”.

But its not ok, its not like it was before, I can’t look at him the same way I used to, I cant hold his hand like I used to, I can’t…… I can’t…

One last breath, and out of the bathroom, I pretend that am looking for something in my huge tote, and he makes a joke about how I could fit in there along with all my stuff, and he says it endearingly, I want to look at him, but I cant, I just….can’t.

He puts his arm around my shoulder as we go down the stairs and I snuggle up to him, he smells nice, and I want to stay there, it’s nice and warm. We stroll on the sidewalk, am lost in my thoughts; I realize he is speaking to me,

“Huh”

“What do you want to do?” he asks me

“Nothing, I was thinking I would go home…I don’t know…”

“How about some hot chocolate?”

He knows exactly what I like, my comfort drink, hot chocolate.

At the coffee house, he looks at me, I can feel him looking at me, but am staring out the window, trying to avoid his eyes, he touches my hand, I have to look at him and all I see is love in there, concern,

“What’s up?”

“Nothing am good”

“When you are good and ready”

“Why are you like that with me?” I ask him

“Like what?”

“Like that, you know…” I say, with a shrug

“Its nothing, lets just lenga that vibe” I brush it off.

My chocolate comes and for a moment, I get lost in the flavor and the sweetness that is in that mug.

So now am thinking, if I tell him how I feel, and he doesn’t feel the same way, then what?

If I tell him, and I lose the best thing that ever happened to me, then what?

So now that I was used to telling him everything, how will I be able to hide this from him? To not tell him?

All the while am turning these thoughts over in my head, am looking into my mug of hot chocolate, and he is staring at me, waiting for me to tell him, he has faith in me, that when am good and ready, I will tell him what is on my mind, I feel worse now.

I take a deep breath, and I look at him, and I think, ‘it’s all worth it, you are all worth it, and I would rather have a sure thing with you, my best friend, than a “maybe” with you’.

I smile, and I feel that it’s going to be ok, that I will always be happy as long as you are here, with me.

I feel much better now, I take his hand and squeeze it just a bit, he squeezes back, I know it’s going to be ok, and I know “we” are ok.